I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.