Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
You Might Also Like
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place