Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot