Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
No, he would not have.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
This is my brand.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol