Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]