Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I know karate and tons of other words.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?