@njlitigator: Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it's way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] puppeteer looks over at my wife: I'm so sorry, it was in his will [i sit up in the casket]
@Kyle_Raney: DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I'm proud of him, I doubt he'll make a lot of sales in the backyard.