@bornmiserable: Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

@man_spach: Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

@patnspankme: I don't know if this is a good idea. Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

@shkeeber: You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.

@MikeCanRant: Hi yes, I'd like the cheeseburger "How would you like that cooked?" *gets right up in waitresses face* With frickin fire, obviously