@WeissBrandon: Apparently, "I just assumed" is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the "heavy flow" tampons.
@alfageeek: Remember: If you don't post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
@TheWoodenslurpy: Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
@animadvertguy: [Sky-diving]
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
[later]
CORONER: where's his shoes?
@slyoung5: You're suppose to wear clean underwear in case you're ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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