[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
You Might Also Like
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
What flavor cupcake are these
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
got so much cardio in today
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.