Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
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I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
She was REALLY feeling it.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above