What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
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water it, i dare you
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
We don鈥檛 talk enough about Nicholson鈥檚 competent axe technique in The Shining
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 馃檪
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I鈥檓 going to pull on the satin ribbon she鈥檚 worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What鈥檚 the worst that could happen. One lil tug
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Dr: how鈥檚 your diet?
Me: I鈥檝e been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn鈥檛 good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing