Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Is….Is this an option?