Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”