[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Bill is short for Billiam
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Risking my life for fun.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Beware of fowl play.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Bike for sale
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again