[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go