*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Pat is about to own someone
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.