[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one