[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.