[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.