[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From