Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
You Might Also Like
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.