marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up