I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.