@TheAlexNevil: Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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@daemonic3: [art store] You do free framing? "With any purchase" Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife's fingerprints] you know what to do
@AimeeHelene1: I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.
@ColeyGuacamole_: When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans" all I hear is "there's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
@juliussharpe: I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn't make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.