Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right