Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
You Might Also Like
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
🤣🤣🤣