Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.