My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.