When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
The best plant holders?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.