@_troyjohnson: Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
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@onion_an: [on date pretending not to be a dung beetle] Date: What's your favourite meal? Me: Poop Date: What? Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
@BareChesty: Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it's meaning
@TheToddWilliams: [principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.
@skinnyfrittata: A kid asked me how babies are made so I panicked and said “3D printers” because no one has ever explained it to me either