@_troyjohnson: Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
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@ItsAndyRyan: Interviewer: Tell me your convictions Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office Interviewer: I mean like 'firm beliefs' Me: Company loyalty
@juliussharpe: I rented a tuxedo then didn't need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?
@JimmerThatisAll: I don't know why these Jehovah's Witnesses won't give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
@KalvinMacleod: Do you have to go to the bathroom? No You sure? Yes How about now? No Now? No [movie begins] Daddy? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD