Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
they really do be looking like this
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently