@LurkAtHomeMom: Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you're interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn't our lawn ever look that nice?"
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@Chumpstring: PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
@007Rex_Inc: Niece: I like math M: 5 X 1? N: 5 M: *takes out phone* right N:You're using your phone? M: I got a text N: I didnt hear a sound *runs away*
@BadJordon: [ER] HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler. DOC:… H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand. D: Rub kale on it.
@peterjames48: You're leaving Twitter? For good? That's too bad. We'll miss you. See you next week!