Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
You Might Also Like
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Care for your back
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings