INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however