It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.