married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
As the king鈥檚 food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
wife: don鈥檛 eat that, u know it won鈥檛 agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won鈥檛
Important
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Did a trash talking tree write this?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don鈥檛 say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn鈥檛 run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.