#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
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17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Möther may I have a snäck
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.