Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Heroic Misunderstanding
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I’d rather go liquor treating.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
sensitive skin