@TheWoodenslurpy: Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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@CrazyUncIeJoe: How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.
@ThisOneSayz: Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
@Reverend_Scott: [Jesus at Last Supper] [holds up bread] This is my body [holds up wine] This is my blood [holds up Instagram pic] This was my breakfast
@WeissBrandon: My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more. Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!