Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.