@KevinFarzad: Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
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@therealeatwood: [Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
@oakhillbargrill: Spreads legs... Nope Spreads two other legs .... Nope Spreads two others .... Dammit, no Spreads last two.... BINGO!! - spider sex
@Sassafrantz: Me: There's nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week. Tequila: We're gonna fight every girl in this bar!