@KevinFarzad: Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
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@chrisdelia: Me: *Asks question on snapchat* Them: *Answers question on snapchat* Me: "Wait, what did I ask again?"
@AndyAsAdjective: [break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation
@Goofpoops: Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like "nuh uh zombie, we don't want that"
@Inconsteveable: Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.