@KevinFarzad: Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
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@BadCoq: Do you think it's possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it's spikes? I'm giving a dinner party.
@gojarbe: [on a date] me: what's your favorite book series about a big red dog? her: uhh Clifford, i guess me: wow we have a lot in common
@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: I dropped my damn spoon! Me: Don't be using that word! 5yo: Is it a bad word? Me: It is.. 5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn "food scooper"?
@KeetPotato: [tortoise arguing with his gf] "FINE IM LEAVING" FINE [6 minutes later] are you going or not? "THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN"