*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
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Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT