marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Every time my phone rings
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours