Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
#damn
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”