MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.