Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.