mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.