According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Still cracks me up