Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.