Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Ape together strong
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…