MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother