MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?