Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.