*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
🤣😂🤣
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
☺️
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids