MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Am I having a stroke?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot