[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”