boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Think I pulled my liver
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?